I love the feeling of being snuggled up with my husband on the couch. The feeling of warmth and intimacy. It makes me feel loved.
But here I was yet again, assuming my husband and I would spend the weekend together just hanging out, but he had made last minute plans with friends to go out. It was too late for me to make last minute plans with friends so I spent Saturday night home by myself.
I felt dejected.
I felt unchosen and unloved.
This happened many times early in our marriage.
I felt like I chose him but he didn’t choose me back and it hurt. It really hurt.
I’m a planner by nature so I could have organised my weekends to go out with friends, but in all honesty I much preferred to be home with my husband, just him and me.
The feelings of dejection started making me into someone I didn’t like. I started making nasty comments and closing myself off from him so I didn’t feel so dejected when he chose to spend his time away from me.
The book that changed my thinking
Then I read a book that changed my thinking and changed me; “What I Wished My Mother Had Told Me About Men” by Julie Gorman
The book opened my eyes to the fact that my husband wasn’t perfect. He was human too and he had his own baggage he was carrying. How could I expect him to meet all my needs when he was dealing with his own issues?
It was unfair of me to put all this pressure on my husband
There is only one who I can rely on to meet all my needs all of the time… and it isn’t my husband. It’s my Creator. He is the only one that I can fully rely on to meet my inner most need to be chosen and loved 100% of the time.
God chooses me and is there for me ALL THE TIME.
This is something no human can do.
“And I lit with the epiphany: Where there’s chosenness, there isn’t aloneness. Feel wanted – and you want for little else. Whatever the dream is, the dream is to feel special.”
Ann Voskamp, Waymaker
Feeling loved all the time
As I shifted to enable the void in my heart to be filled with the love of my Creator, it freed me up to be ok if my husband choose to go out with the boys. I was still 100% chosen and 100% loved.
I became a better person. Not so narky with my husband anymore because all my needs were met.
When my husband plans a last minute night out with the boys now I actually became excited because it means a night at home just me and my Creator. I can focus on him and feel his love surround me and in me.
I won’t lie, carving out time to spend with someone I can’t see is hard with so many visual distractions around me vying for my attention. But when I make the effort to just be with Him and open my heart to him, he will often fill my heart to overflowing. At times it feels like more love than my heart can handle. And I guess that’s the point, because then that love overflows to others too.
If you feel there’s a wall between you and God, read this prayer that tore down the wall in my heart.
